I think if you get used to writing, whether or not you originally like it, and then all of a sudden you stop, you are bound to miss it. In college I felt forced to record my thoughts and musings, but now I find that if I do not force myself to write about what I feel and think about what I'm doing, it goes totally unrecorded and unheard. It is my first year of teaching and if you were to look at the files or resources I do have, you'd be wondering where the rest of the artifacts are. I only plan a few days in advance and am not following my long term plan to a T, so everything doesn't connect together. Often I feel a lot of emotions throughout the day but no record of it goes anywhere. I like doing what I do, I like the challenge of it. I like not knowing what the next day will bring but being there anyway. I like the smiles of the kids and the emotions they have as well. I don't think I'm anywhere close to being a transformational teacher but I do try. I can't imagine myself doing anything else, I'm addicted to being around them and to trying to help. And then I say that (in writing) and automatically feel exhausted at the prospect of all there is to do. So much is on our shoulders, so much is expected out of us. And how much support can really be offered, to aid us in the journey to rectify what should have been done a long time ago? It does feel like my path and it does feel like I belong. Like I said, I couldn't imagine doing anything else. But it is hard. Often I feel sinking doubt or even what I'd call anxious despair. If I don't get this right, I think, it really matters and if they go down it's my fault. I have faith but then the entire boat is rocked and everything is turned up on its head. You wonder who is with you for the long haul or whether you're in it totally alone. And the doubt and the anxiety begin to become your ruler, not your light or your faith.


I find myself afraid to love, because if you love too deeply and then you watch them fail, it's even worse than watching yourself fail. Even though I have a life separate from it all, they are who I work on behalf of. They are the reason why I do it. It's exhausting but it's necessary.

I don't remember the time when I decided I would teach after college. I don't remember the logic behind it or why exactly I chose it, except it seemed to make sense in comparison to sitting at some desk, working for a cause, because how would that actually connect me with the cause and make me feel as if I was making some difference? If anything, that's what I remember most about the decision I made to teach, not wanting to sit at a desk and hope and wish but rather, see things change on the ground and have the chance to witness at least a couple kids' growth over the course of a year.
I've come a long way from that now and mired down in the self-pity and almost despair that comes from being a first-year teacher. Confused, arrogant and helpless at the same time I flounder trying to find ways to make my life easier and seeming to just waste more time. I wonder how my kids would do if they had a different, more experienced teacher. When I get evaluations that aren't good I question myself and my entire ability to perform in the teaching profession. I've never thought about leaving but I know at once that I need a firmer grip hold to grasp, knowing where I'm going next FROM where I've been. And I don't know if I know where I've been. I've been floundering, I've been wishing, I've been doing the same things in an attempt to achieve different results, and I'm afraid of trying new methods now because I know they might fail and they might now work. But if I don't have faith in them, how will my kids? I expect them to believe in something that I don't even believe in?


 My classroom has to be a place of dreams. It has to be, because I am a dreamer. However practical and pragmatic I've grown to be, I'm still a dreamer at heart and always will be. And it has to reflect that and encourage that in a practical way. It's all really a game of attachment, I think. I'm scared of saying, "I am this, I am a teacher," and then failing at that because what does that mean? Who really wants to let anybody down? The real reason I became a teacher was because of how I felt when I was in school. I didn't like it and I didn't feel like many people understood me. Yet when I was able to succeed, when I was able to love certain subjects or certain things, I started to fly and from then on out achieved success. I know I have to be more patient with myself in terms of giving it time to become better. I cannot become a master teacher overnight. I have to release the pressure. It's hard not to want to be better though. Understanding, what's at stake....it's deep man. It goes really deep.

It has officially been one full semester of teaching. Crazy, right? It doesn't feel like it. Not at all. You could tell me that just a few weeks ago I moved here, started, and am still getting my bearings and I would believe you. But in fact it's been a full semester. I don't feel like I've had enough time to breathe let alone reflect in a productive, responsible way. It's been a semester of catching up, of wondering, of scratching together something from nothing, of worrying whether I'm doing it right, of failure and exhausting, of teaching and learning, of managing and planning and more exhaustion, of yelling, of sighing, of hoping and dreaming. I don't know if I've learned anything actually. Have I? It's been more of a race to the top. I don't know if I'll know when I get there. All I know is, it's been a scramble. Not neat, not tidy the way I want it. I'm okay with how things have been but I'm also just tired of everything. The break came at the right time. And now I have to prioritize and figure out how I'm going to get better. I wish I was better at this. I wish it came more naturally. I wish my kids respected me more and we got more done. But instead it feels like a constant struggle. I don't feel like I'm doing the best I can I feel like I'm just surviving at best. I feel like my money I've invested in rewards or such has gone to waste. And I feel like I don't know where I'm heading. But that's what this break is for. Getting my bearings. Figuring out where I'm going. Figuring out why I'm here. It's always okay to fail as long as you reflect and figure out why you did and figure out how to prevent it. I think the number one thing I've done wrong is not having a behavior management plan that is full and that works. Behavior is getting in the way of everything. It's getting in the way of learning, of teaching, of simply getting in a line to move on to the next class. I can't believe how much behavior has gotten in the WAY lol, if you have told me this would be the achievement problem in my classroom, I would not have believed you six months ago, but indeed, here it stands. Anyway. It's shaping up to be a great holiday season. And even though we only get a week off, I'm determined to make the most of the week and get as much rest as possible. So off to treating myself!

beating heart baby

This has been a very interesting night. Since I've been working night shifts very frequently lately, I come home and don't want to socialize with anyone really but want to ensure that I still get to do the things I want to do during night time....cozy up with a blanket, hang with the animals, watching my favorite show, and maybe cook some food. So I stay up and do it. And usually I end up staying up even later than intended and hence here we are at 2:00 am with me still wide awake and typing.

I sent in my first professional resume today, to send out to schools. I think as a kid when you picture yourself at 23, 24, 25 you picture yourself so grown up with all your shit together. I think the trick, which you learn when you hit about 19, is that you never just immediately get that shit zapped into you. You constantly have to remind yourself to stay on task, stay focused, and it's near impossible to have things just come so freely and naturally to you--life is a constant struggle, in a lot of ways. Maybe "struggle" is a strong word, but the point is it never comes freely to you. It's about the tension and release, the planning and the letting go, the wondering and the nothingness, the everything and the in-between.

I'm with, or dating rather, a wonderful woman. We are taking it step by step, but I wake up happy. I'm in a job that I love, with friends around me. My family supports me and never strays from my side. I am truly blessed and I thank God for that. My adorable little cat, bless his heart, wakes up with me every morning and reminds me that he is devoted to me. I am so, so blessed. And they say that we don't thank God when we have enough, but blame him when we don't have much, so I want to take this opportunity to say a bunch of praise, even if it seems like a bit of overkill.

I felt like blogging earlier and don't feel like it as much anymore, but am going to anyway. Today has been kind of a weird day. Called in to work, which was my rebellion of sorts, saying "you can't make me work!" They have scheduled me for work repeatedly and basically ignored my requests to dial down my hours to have more time for school. And it's really starting to stress me out, because i absolutely have to go to someone and have them switch it. I cannot continue down this road, and this is me saying enough is enough.

Anyway, other than that, things are going pretty well. My class reading I find extremely boring, which I think is partly the material and partly me missing discussion-based seminar classes to the extreme. I didn't realize how much that impacted how you engage with the reading, what sorts of things you think about and are led to think about. Though I like solo work, it's really the intellectual engagement with others that can drive you forward. Truly, with each day that goes on, I miss my college more.

It is a transition phase in life. I'm ready to leave college though. Thank goodness, since this is my fifth year. I'm ready to just live my life and work and not worry about assignments. Someday, there will be more higher education but for now I want to focus on living the life I have set out for me. And more enjoyment...

I have waited for this moment for four to five days now. Uninterrupted silence, time to do as I please, and a chance...most of all, a chance to write. What do I want to write about....

I fear the world is becoming more and more specialized and we are losing our place in it. Like, people are thinking about what they want to do when they grow up, some are thinking of what they want to study in school, and it becomes further and further specialized. And I'm familiar with the theories of complex societies and societal development enough to know that it lends itself to this type of occupational specialization. But it still scares me. I remember my days in elementary school and I feel our world was so much more secure back then. Maybe it is just this endless cycle of me resisting parts of the grown up world, the politics, the realizations, the disenchantment....but I also do think our world has changed. Culture wars have reached a head and it seems so aggressive, so violent, even, at times. I want it to pass. I want it to calm down and for people to not be so aggressive. And most of all so hateful. It sounds kind of cliche and hippy-ish, but I'm okay with that. I want peace and love and understanding. Lol.

You can't do that without bridging worlds. To reach understanding, you have to meet somewhere in the middle which is why after all this time I support Obama. At the same time, there is a need for the passionate liberal activists who never say something is okay when it's not and always fight for what they believe is justice. It's just frustrating because it seems so hard to get things done and especially now, it feels like there is no focus on schools and people don't understand that that is one of the basic backbones of our society and without reform, nothing can change. People can't learn new things, people can't grow, people can't advance.

Anyway, speaking of which, I have to head to class now, but I'll write more later.

what i like to do
is walk in the rain
but only when i'm dressed just right for it
don't want to get soaked in shoes that aren't meant for water
don't want to get soppy the tshirt we dress to impress
just want to run around in a slicker and rain boots
ready for what's to come

you say you worry that if they come near you
they'll see all the frayed wires and dirty parts exposed
i say i welcome it
because it is who we are
and it tells a story
and we are not worse off than anyone, ever

and i like to say baby come with me
and dance in the rain
and you like to wait
but then join
singing oh halle, halle, halle
hail down on me i welcome it
you are carrying everything i want to be with

"The clash of cultures in the classroom is essentially a class war, a socio-
economic and racial warfare being waged on the battleground of our schools,
with middle-class aspiring teachers provided with a powerful arsenal of half-
truths, prejudices, and rationalizations, arrayed against hopelessly outclassed
working-class youngsters. This is an uneven balance, particularly since, like
most battles, it comes under the guise of righteousness." (Clark, 1965, p. 119)

“I DON'T CARE!" Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"
"You do care," said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. "You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”

The Order of the Phoenix

What is it but the Antithesis of what you were trying to prove?

I guess it's been almost twenty days since I posted last. Times have changed somewhat significantly and new things have come about in my life. New jobs, for one, which I applied for and got, and soon to be a new living situation. It's going to feel very good to get out of the current situation--and I can't stress enough that I like family time--but overall I need my space in certain ways. I started new classes and so far they're going swimmingly.

I've ruminated a lot on what I deserve and I came to the conclusion that I deserve more. More love, no more hurt, nice treatment and patience with myself. I deserve better than the ways in which certain past events have turned out and it's like I didn't see that for so long. Now, the hood is finally off my eyes and I can move forward. I deserve the best because I'm willing to offer the best. I don't trust everybody, and I don't necessarily see everyone's good side or show everyone my good side but overall, it's there and I know it's worthy of spiritual and relational riches.

I finally have my old goals back and I see my direction in life. I have so many dreams but at the same time have my feet firmly planted in reality. Everyday I see people who care about the world and try to make their own difference, in their own way, and that inspires me to go forward. I am more interested in action than words, in more ways than one. In one, in the activist and social activism sense. You can spout off words all you want but if your actions don't reflect your beliefs, or even parts of your ideals, what does that say? It doesn't have to be all idealistic, but don't be unrealistic either by espousing words and beliefs and then not following through. The same goes for personal relationships. Someone can tell you things all they want, but what matters is how they act, consistently.

It matters, how someone else treats you. It matters, if you feel hurt. It matters, if you have emotions. And even if someone else will not acknowledge those feelings, acknowledge them yourself. They matter, and you are important.

And above all, don't give your love to someone who doesn't treat it with the utmost care.

So it's the new year. Almost. What has this past year taught us? About ourselves, about the people we care about, about the world? I feel this is a question we always must ask ourselves. Constant reflection is key.

Even if we think we've stopped growing, or at a standstill, there is still growth going on. This is something I've learned.

thinking of hard topics is pleasing

the title. sometimes it's all in the title, right? see above. haha. no, but really, sometimes thinking of something hard is pleasing. it's looking a challenge or something that's hard for you right in the face and saying, "i'm not afraid of you anymore. i'm going to deal with you, and i'm going to conquer the bad feelings you give me until it's not scary anymore." i rarely mention ecuador. sometimes i think i pretend it didn't exist. i guess because it was built up in my mind for so long as this great opportunity, and then i just kind of lost it while it was there. i still can't explain it to this day, you know? how it happened. why it happened. or maybe there's no explanation for it. maybe it just did.

for so long i believed i would change the world. all of my energy would be enough to solve so many different issues, just within latin america alone. okay, i make it sound like it was some big cloud fantasy land, and it's not like i thought that *I* alone could solve un monton of problems and had these delusions of grandeur. no, but i did think it would be this area i would keep passion for. turns out, no. it was something i wanted to keep passion for, wanted to feel that way about, but kinda lost interest in as time went on. when i took german, the passion for germany grew. then, this summer, i even got interested in the middle east. (i say "even" because traditionally that was the area i was least interested in while studying international relations, and most people were the opposite). i started to realize that my passion wasn't for latin america specifically. it switched around, to different parts of the world, depending on the time period. i have passion for the world in general. for global issues. for travel. for comparison. for wonderings, musings, facts, beliefs, superstitions, ideas, generations, destructions and creations.

i think if i was more honest with myself earlier on, i would have realized that my mind had changed since i had first planned ecuador. i would have realized that my true passion at the time was for going to germany, and continuing to study german. but i thought that was kinda flighty and it was better to stick with one path. now i see it would have been better off if i had allowed myself to rejuvenate by honoring that new passion.

I have been doing a lot of thinking. Again, yes. I'm on benadryl now so am finally feeling that warm, fuzzy, sleepy feeling that sort of crawls over you. It's wonderful. There's almost nothing better than this feeling. (warning: future benadryl addict?) anyway.

Teach for america is a huge commitment. Just seeing how intensive the institute is going to be, i am a bit overwhelmed to be honest. They will keep you there day after day until you learn the methods, pass the tests. But there is something deep within me that is rising to the surface again. I know that this is my destiny. Even if i am stuck in math, my least favorite subject ever and one that i will probably have issues with, it still is. It still is my destiny. There's something about working with kids that forever rejuvenates me. The spirit that they have, the hardship that they can endure...it's just incredible. It inspires me in a way I can't explain.

I'm going to share something with you. When I was in my interview, I didn't follow the script I set out for myself. I think whenever I've done well in an interview or in a certain type of situation, it's because I did abandon the script and just did whatever came to heart or mind. I told her about Baltimore. I told her about the kids that captured my heart and did not let go of it. (Of course, I didn't tell her all the details, but I want to record them now). There was a little boy there. He came up to me, and he had been just smiling at me for awhile. Like he knew something. I know that sounds like I'm projecting thoughts on to someone else, a little boy no less, but it's like he knew. He came to me after knowing me for awhile, grabbed at the side of my shirt, and whispered in my ear, "Isn't he cute?" Talking about another little boy in the class. It's like he knew I was gay. And that he could tell me this, somehow. He made a couple more comments, and keep in mind this little boy was only about 7. It touched me in a way I couldn't explain. I still can't explain it fully....like he trusted, he knew, and he had this secret inside of him. The other little boy (the one he was talking about) seemed to know something was going on, so he shouted "what did he say?! what did he say?!" and I wouldn't tell him.

These kids touched my heart. I mean really. My heart is not always touched as much as you might think. For someone who eats up romantic comedies and junk like she's paid to do it, I don't always expect to be, or am actually that touched. But this touched me. Those kids made my life have meaning. Just the enthusiasm...I mean the blind enthusiasm.

"we are more than this world has to offer. we are more than the wars of our fathers."

I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot. And even though I'm signed up for some sweet classes this upcoming semester, I think I have to say so long to all of them and drop the classes. The reason for it is this. I started doing this the beginning of this past summer semester. Just adding classes and continuing along this frenzied path. And the whole time, it has been making me unhappy. It's like busy work and more busy work and it's lost its true meaning. It's not that I don't appreciate the intellectual stimulation and activity--that's why I keep chasing classes in the first place--but it's like overkill and I'm over being younger and wanting to do well in school where there are these grades, these tests. I've gotta get out. I've gotta drop the courses.
And live my life. Lol.

Anyway, work is going fairly well. I came to the realization that who I worked with really determined how much I enjoyed the session, for the most part. Not totally, but with such competition that some people create, versus an enjoyable, collegial environment. I really like working in sales when it's not all competitive and people aren't just like cut-throat. Not to mention rude. But when it's good, it's good, like I've said. I could see myself staying with this type of thing, hoping to rise in the ranks, get a small promotion, eventually maybe working more with human resources. I like helping an organization run smoother and doing a good job.

I want to spend my time--during the next few weeks--knitting, watching "Elf," playing with animals, watching other Christmas movies and episodes, reading (a lot!), catching up on politics, getting organized and getting my room orderly, donating clothes and leftover things, working on my Portuguese again, spending time with friends, drinking semi-gross holiday themed wines, getting organized--this is listed twice on purpose, and planning for the future.

Yay!

(update: i just ate protein, and this must have been what i was missing. this zing of energy is better than any coffee i had this week! shit son.) I had the most exhausting day at work today. Literally I'm lying here and all I can do is like attempt to prop my own body as best as possible. Lol. It was like another black friday today, somehow, I guess with the combination of the sale going on and the nearer proximity to Christmas, everyone decided to go to the mall today in droves. It was totally insane, with shoes practically being thrown and all of us racing around. There was a good hour straight where I was sweating, just like when I go for a run. I'd have to wipe the sweat off my brow before talking to a customer. Haha. But, I'm glad it's over, and I actually managed to make commission today, which is good since I haven't even been making my minimum lately and it's starting to make me look bad with my supervisors. Anyway. I just hope I can keep the job. And by keep the job I mean, I hope they will consider hiring me on as permanent part-time in the company as opposed to temporary part time. I could use the job even after January, even if just for weekends for some extra cash. And, if I don't get another job, I could use it as my regular job. Although I think I'd rather work two jobs, and have that variety, then be running for shoes day after day.

This is the most physical job I've ever had before. I've had standing up on feet jobs before, and even jobs on sales floors, but not like this. Sometimes you literally have to be jogging through the back room because you know that customer is waiting and somehow you just can't find that boot that they want. Anyway. Normally, I like it. (And don't have so much to say about it). I get to work with people, and especially, the one-on-one work is nice. When it's slower, you have the chance to really treat someone with kindness and improve their day. I LOVE that and appreciate that about my job so much. But days like this, when it's just madness and chaotic and people are freaking out about deals.....God, I just want to crawl away. Lol.

Even though I'm so ready for the classes this semester to be over (Geology has slowly gone from yay! this is cool! rock identification! to what the heck is he talking about how does this relate to volcanoes) I'm somehow more ready to consider grad school. Maybe because I do realize (in more practical ways) what doors it can open for me. But also because I haven't had the chance to do the things I really love--media and communication studies, foreign language, political and cultural studies--and I realize how much I still want that to be part of my life, and ESPECIALLY part of my future.

"Moving" but not in the grand sense.

Whew. Noticed it's been awhile since I last posted. Okay, to update, I've been working for the past month. I got a job in sales--shoes and boots, specifically, haha--and have been pretty much hangin with that for awhile. It's, for most of the time, very enjoyable and I really like working with the coworkers and the customers and really just being a positive entity out there on the sales floor. Occasionally it gets overwhelming but overall it's not bad. I got into Teach for America, so there's that on the table, but it doesn't start for quite awhile. I'll just be living, chilling, working, and more for the time being. And it feels great! Life moves on and it moves ahead and I'm right there moving with it.

valuing the past, relearning the present

I just read my past three posts and thought "gosh, what the heck was I going through?" Haha.
I am blessed to say that I have overcome some of what was going on and now am on the right path. I'm not to the end yet, but my feet are facing and moving in the right direction. That feels really good to say. It's so weird to me how the past like two months are a blur. It feels like they weren't even real, I think I lost myself somewhere along the way. But I'm relearning me, and life, and enjoying life. So there are literally no regrets.

My relationship to everything around me has shifted and reformed but I am grateful for what I have, and I do have a lot. I have a wonderful family who loves and supports me, and I have awesome friends who I am still grateful to have here in Michigan. I'd like to be working, but at the same time it's nice to have a bit of a breather, and I can also focus on really getting a job for the time to come. I'm back at college here and to know that after I just finish these last classes, I'm home free....that's a good feeling too. I'm just waiting it out and there are actually only two and a half months left. Crazy. I have more free time than I would like but I think it's also a matter of just becoming okay with everything that is going on.

I've realized that just because one thing doesn't work out doesn't mean other things can't work out. I think for a long time I had this idea that you had to find exactly the right formula to get to success, and now it's just like....well whatever works out is meant to be. I'm a strange bird and will not always feel like somewhere is exactly right...but will learn to live with it anyway. With this post I'm trying to straighten out a few things. It's such a relief to know that progress is being made and after two months of feeling totally out of it, I'm finally on the right track. I can't tell you how grateful I am, can't express it in words.

semblance

Well, I can't sleep, so might as well stop trying. I have a gigantic swirl of emotions going in me right now and they show no sign of slowing down. Sometimes I do wonder if my host family thinks I'm crazy cause I'm in here typing away or I randomly go out or I sometimes talk walks by myself. Walks by myself are nice. They remind me of being in Sao Paulo by myself and how strange and eerie and crazy that felt. How alone I felt, in this gigantic place, with no one to tell me what to do or even worry if I came back home at night. They place me in this new realm of ideas and thoughts and ...and everything else. I have so many thoughts right now in my head its incredible. I know I need to do a lot more physical activity to get rid of it. I wish professors hadn't been so mean in their emails. They have no idea how I feel right now and no idea how that made me feel worse. I'm trying to scrap together a semblance of something that makes sense. Trying to build, something. At times like this you want to say you miss the simple days, but then you actually give that a bit of thought and you realize those never existed. I botched my grades my last year of school and I'm still not proud of it. I can't live with it like that so I'll have to do something.

If my mind wasn't going a million miles a minute I'd take advantage of this peace and quiet and get some really good sleep. But sometimes it just does that, you know? Sometimes you can't stop it. A lot of "something" and "sometime" in my speech tonight, help me cut that out maybe. Or it could be that I want to be vague and it's the best way to be at this given moment.

It's funny how love works. In high school I was convinced that it was what gave me meaning, happiness, and purpose. But I look back and I do understand that, but I also understand and rectify a lot more. Like the relationships I had with my friends and how strong those were, or the relationship I had with the land and the area. I loved that land, more than I loved most lands where I've lived. Loved to be out in it, exploring, and it felt wild. It's silly, and solitary, but its things like that that really make me miss Tennessee. The thing is, if you're really patient, love does come again. But that's not the purpose of this. There's something underneath, I just have to dig deeper to get at it. Michigan, the land itself, has always felt a little hollow to me, because it doesn't feel like something I can fully embrace. I can't love it for all that it is. Trust me, I love the people tons. I have met some of the best people of my life, there, and would never trade choosing it for a new home. But when it comes to the actual place, it lacks, for me. I long for the wild hills of Tennessee and how they would roll past my vision when I would drive or run. I long for how I felt out there in the middle of nowhere, sneaking onto farm land, or in tall grass, or dipping my feet in boat yards or rivers. I long for the sense I got when I was driving there. I feel none of that in Michigan. It all just seems flat and lackluster, and I can't fully embrace the forest or the land. It's really, really weird, and I've never fully understood it.

I'm vulnerable to things right now like professors being mean and thats why it stings so much and I can't get past it. In other circumstances I could blow it off, and just focus on the nice ones, but now, its stinging me. This transition period of my life is uncalled for. Don't think I'm not grateful for it, because I am. I'm always grateful for change that causes true growth. But it's still vulnerable. It's still soft-bellied, this time.

Sometimes I think Thoreau had the right idea. To true understand and give to society, we really need to separate from it. I'm not in a place right now where I can be at my best and give to a whole bunch of people. I can really only give to a few, and I really only have boundless energy for family or something close to it, because they give to me in the most generous of ways and don't necessarily expect anything in return. I need to be alone right now, in a whole sense of the word. Need to collapse, and sleep, to prepare for the next journey ahead. I'm just tired of giving and living in certain ways and need to rejuvenate. You can get so bogged down from your thoughts and your worries. You can think what you do is so important, but the truth is, if I drop out, if I leave? I'm just gone and the sand comes in to close up the gap. I'm just a tiny grain of sand in the sea of things, and there are so many things so much larger than me that I can't control. The only thing that is left in this world after we have burnt each other to pieces and burned our own societies down to the ground is faith. It's so ironic. We can build towers of ivory of gold or cement, we can create technologies that connect us in lifelike ways, we can create or engineer or more all of these things that make us believe we are fantastical. But we can't conquer anything. It's reminding me of CS Lewis, right now, this train of thought. And how the little girl...she's the only one who can see the lion. Everyone else is caught up in their own junk. But she sees him. And she cries because she believes him but no one else does.

Maybe half the battle is just the journey. It's just remembering why you are even on that path in the first place and reminding yourself to keep going. We lose hope in other people because human beings are broken creatures. It is our deepest desire to be wanted, needed, and loved, but there are just layers of other gunk that get in the way of us achieving that. If all else fails I want myself and I want my life. And I am just exhausted by the people around me.

what about you has changed? and what about you has stayed the same?

you do learn about yourself when you travel. but sometimes it's not even about being shocked or about having epiphanies, it's about returning to the same routines you have always known existed. routine is not always bad. it shows you who you are, reminds you of where you're from, gives you your blessings in return. i'm trying to understand life but i think we can only get happiness from what we are able to give to other people. everyone's job, in some way, relates to doing something for others. even if we are unable to have direct contact with them, we care about them in some way.

i guess i didn't really think of the others
when i sent off that thought into the world
and i guess i've gotten selfish and in my own head
and defining everything by how i see it
i guess i lost myself for awhile
and saw specks of disheartenment in things that didn't even contain it
i guess i wanted to see the world the way i saw it
i guess saw it the way i wanted to see it

if you asked me today what i thought i was going to do in the future
would it really even matter?
doesn't it matter more how we treat the people in our lives
who have done nothing but love us
than any other worldly accomplishments we could "achieve"
if we are friends with our own selves, our mortality
we realize that this is fleeting and ultimately
love is what will heal the world

so if you are responding in anger
and if i am outbounding in rage
will it really make a difference?
the world is made up of love

if you were to ask me how i understand the world
i would say it just takes a little gluing to put together the pieces
for the ones i love are scattered and i gotta glue them together to see the whole picture

i dont love them any less