and this is what i want to say

it isn't about sex. it isn't about sexuality. it isn't about rights. it isn't about winning. it's about the simple act of liking who you like.

it has nothing to do with body parts. it has nothing to do with specifics. it has everything to do with that person you like. you like someone for inexplicable reasons. the way they laugh, or move, or talk to other people. you like the music they like. you like how they're interested in some certain topic. you just like them.

it has nothing to do with anything other than that. it breaks my heart to see people who still can't come to terms with their own sexuality. it breaks my heart to see a world where it is okay to say the "f" or "d" word, and where people, kids, think its funny. it's "so gay." it's "laughable." the thing is, as i was watching about 20 to 30 high school kids perform in their talent show last night, the spotlights on them..it was gorgeous. it was the most beautiful thing. the boy with his piano, the girl with her fingerless gloves and broadway song, girl groups with their guitars, boys tektonik dancing...the jocks or meatheads jeering in front in cliche fashion did not matter---it did not matter. because it was about the kids on stage and their song, their dance, their art. right then i got it.

ann arbor in one week, baltimore in two!

Been in the same place for too long. gotta go explore. Whee! i'll try to take a camera and actually take pictures.

preachy message for today

....where i'm speaking to you, instead of about myself.

do what you love. and fuck the rest.
this is the message of little miss sunshine. and sorry if that is a spoiler for you. but if you haven't seen this film already, why didn't you? it's a can't-miss. the message of the film is this simple message. it tells you to get out and do what you'd like to do. don't question. don't spend hours, days, thinking and wondering and pensando because in the end, you kind of already know what you enjoy. especially if you experiment and fail and try again. especially if you try a bunch of things and you slowly find your way into a niche, or groove. do what you love...and fuck the rest. in the end it doesn't matter. not really. it matters to you..it matters to your heart, and your feeling of completion--whether you really went after what you wanted or not. and it matters whether you were good to the people you loved, and who loved you. and that's it, man. there's no big secret. there's no big unveiling where mysteries unfold. that's the irony of it: it's all already right here. here's the secret. give out love. even as it hurts you. even as it pains you to give a little bit more. be fair. but be giving. in the end, this will be most rewarding. love until it hurts, and then love a little more. this will save you. you know what i mean?

"the world you cannot change
calm your violent soul
all you can do is another person good."

gettin restless

So I have resolved to write every day now. Let's see how long this lasts. I don't feel like anything is happening lately. I feel bored. I should feel grateful for everything I have right now--and I do. Seriously. I have great friends, the comfort of having been here for awhile now, great classes, and financial stability. But what is the point of all of this? I find myself asking that on a regular basis. Do you ever wonder this? Is it indicative of nothing going on for me, do you not feel this way? Is life a lot of little tiny miracles? Or mostly without miracles, those happening only once in awhile? I think I just have cabin fever and need to take a trip somewhere to get inspired again.

Okay. I need to shape up and make changes. One thing I've noticed is that out of my goal list created around four to five years ago, I've met quite a few of them in one way or another. Hence: need new goals!! I'll need to work on this list in private and then "publicize" it...

get a tattoo?

Interrupting my comedy-watching to write, I realize that often why I feel impatient is because I feel this incessant need to create. I'm sitting here in my room completely comfortable, except I don't know and can't decide if what I want is to read a book, watch a movie, watch some funny tv, or just kinda lay here some more and rest. Yet I don't know what to create. I lack direction. What is so important to me that I want to create something about it? Well, love, yes, but that's hurt me quite a bit in the past year. So what else? How I feel for Haiti? For New Orleans? They say we choose whether to feel loved or not. It is a choice. Maybe I have been choosing not to feel loved, appreciated. I'm ready to graduate. Ready to move on. Not because I don't like the college life, especially the friends aspect. But because I'm ready to do something that doesn't involve classes (at least me in the student role) but me out in the real world doing something. Feeling on at least some days like I'm doing something. Something positive. I don't have to make waves, just ripples. Well, that is kind of a lie about the way I truly feel so...hrm. But I don't expect much. Just maybe someday to win the affection of a kid the way my teachers, professors, and mentors have secretly won mine.

norwegian wood

Norwegian Wood (a novel by Haruki Murakami) is becoming a film. I found this out yesterday and am very excited to see this. It's a beautiful novel, (though I could say much more on it) and the film will come out from a lesser known film group in Japanese language with English subtitles.

I like how the trailer is short, sweet, and The Beatles song is playing while you can hear the protagonists speaking in Japanese.

ch-ch-ch-changes !

i'm at work right now. which makes it the poifect time to blog. i feel like speaking in accents and tongues today, so work with me. this semester has actually brought a lot of good, new things in my life. i enjoyed my studies last semester, but they required so much constant effort that it laid down constant stress into my life. even though i still have a full schedule--and two part-time jobs--there is less of that in my life now and it's released quite a burden from me. i'm lucky enough to take one last english class this term, rounding out my "english minor." we'll call it that, unofficially, because what i major in makes sense to no one--including, sometimes, my advisers and peers. i say i'm lucky because this class is fantastic. it is called "the emergence of an american literary trend (?)" and examines the greats of American lit you typically associate with the American canon--Thoreau, Hawthorne, etc--but examines them with a broader lens and a more analytically-framed scope. for example, it's not pulling out the themes, characters, as you might in a high school classroom or introductory course, but questioning the broader implications for how the usual canon may represent American culture, society. in addition, the class takes into consideration criticism of these usually named "great" works and weighs the implications of these criticisms. in other words, this class is my wet dream.

sometimes i do feel that senior pull, where you know you're going to be done soon, and you're biding your time and finishing classes. but i also do feel that i am learning here and still growing here. i see east lansing through completely different eyes from when i was a freshman. it's so cliche--but it's so true. i used to be intimidated by the people and the size of campus and going downtown or going out--now it's just regular old east lansing. and i belong here or don't belong here as much as the next person.

i really appreciate the place that i'm at right now. it took so (so, so, so) much effort, but i ended up with two amazing majors that have allowed me to take basically all classes i've dreamed of. i've taken design, drawing, intro to english analysis, latin american studies, comparative cultural theory, spanish structure. people doubt me a lot--my major choices, rather--but i do believe they'll pan out in the end. for me, it's not about what it says on the transcript or the name of the bachelors degree i've completed--it's the classes i've taken, what i've gotten out of them, and how i've synthesized them together. and i seriously feel blessed to have been able to take so many great classes while in college. not everyone gets to do that.

i have also tried to spend a lot more time with my family. my sister graduates after this may also and will be going to college most likely out of state. it's just nice to spend time with family, too. i was away for most of last summer, for last spring semester, and most of this fall also. the winter break was a great, actual break where i refreshed and spent lots of time with family.

the next trip i have coming up--besides potential roadtrips--is my alternative spring break to Baltimore. i am getting a bit more excited about this because it is obviously closer than it was last fall. i'm glad to be able to do ASB one more time and participate in an organization like it again. it is just a week, but im fascinated to learn more about immigration. after my senior seminar paper last term, it's truly an issue where i feel i need to school myself, learn more, and participate more in the politics surrounding it.