semblance

Well, I can't sleep, so might as well stop trying. I have a gigantic swirl of emotions going in me right now and they show no sign of slowing down. Sometimes I do wonder if my host family thinks I'm crazy cause I'm in here typing away or I randomly go out or I sometimes talk walks by myself. Walks by myself are nice. They remind me of being in Sao Paulo by myself and how strange and eerie and crazy that felt. How alone I felt, in this gigantic place, with no one to tell me what to do or even worry if I came back home at night. They place me in this new realm of ideas and thoughts and ...and everything else. I have so many thoughts right now in my head its incredible. I know I need to do a lot more physical activity to get rid of it. I wish professors hadn't been so mean in their emails. They have no idea how I feel right now and no idea how that made me feel worse. I'm trying to scrap together a semblance of something that makes sense. Trying to build, something. At times like this you want to say you miss the simple days, but then you actually give that a bit of thought and you realize those never existed. I botched my grades my last year of school and I'm still not proud of it. I can't live with it like that so I'll have to do something.

If my mind wasn't going a million miles a minute I'd take advantage of this peace and quiet and get some really good sleep. But sometimes it just does that, you know? Sometimes you can't stop it. A lot of "something" and "sometime" in my speech tonight, help me cut that out maybe. Or it could be that I want to be vague and it's the best way to be at this given moment.

It's funny how love works. In high school I was convinced that it was what gave me meaning, happiness, and purpose. But I look back and I do understand that, but I also understand and rectify a lot more. Like the relationships I had with my friends and how strong those were, or the relationship I had with the land and the area. I loved that land, more than I loved most lands where I've lived. Loved to be out in it, exploring, and it felt wild. It's silly, and solitary, but its things like that that really make me miss Tennessee. The thing is, if you're really patient, love does come again. But that's not the purpose of this. There's something underneath, I just have to dig deeper to get at it. Michigan, the land itself, has always felt a little hollow to me, because it doesn't feel like something I can fully embrace. I can't love it for all that it is. Trust me, I love the people tons. I have met some of the best people of my life, there, and would never trade choosing it for a new home. But when it comes to the actual place, it lacks, for me. I long for the wild hills of Tennessee and how they would roll past my vision when I would drive or run. I long for how I felt out there in the middle of nowhere, sneaking onto farm land, or in tall grass, or dipping my feet in boat yards or rivers. I long for the sense I got when I was driving there. I feel none of that in Michigan. It all just seems flat and lackluster, and I can't fully embrace the forest or the land. It's really, really weird, and I've never fully understood it.

I'm vulnerable to things right now like professors being mean and thats why it stings so much and I can't get past it. In other circumstances I could blow it off, and just focus on the nice ones, but now, its stinging me. This transition period of my life is uncalled for. Don't think I'm not grateful for it, because I am. I'm always grateful for change that causes true growth. But it's still vulnerable. It's still soft-bellied, this time.

Sometimes I think Thoreau had the right idea. To true understand and give to society, we really need to separate from it. I'm not in a place right now where I can be at my best and give to a whole bunch of people. I can really only give to a few, and I really only have boundless energy for family or something close to it, because they give to me in the most generous of ways and don't necessarily expect anything in return. I need to be alone right now, in a whole sense of the word. Need to collapse, and sleep, to prepare for the next journey ahead. I'm just tired of giving and living in certain ways and need to rejuvenate. You can get so bogged down from your thoughts and your worries. You can think what you do is so important, but the truth is, if I drop out, if I leave? I'm just gone and the sand comes in to close up the gap. I'm just a tiny grain of sand in the sea of things, and there are so many things so much larger than me that I can't control. The only thing that is left in this world after we have burnt each other to pieces and burned our own societies down to the ground is faith. It's so ironic. We can build towers of ivory of gold or cement, we can create technologies that connect us in lifelike ways, we can create or engineer or more all of these things that make us believe we are fantastical. But we can't conquer anything. It's reminding me of CS Lewis, right now, this train of thought. And how the little girl...she's the only one who can see the lion. Everyone else is caught up in their own junk. But she sees him. And she cries because she believes him but no one else does.

Maybe half the battle is just the journey. It's just remembering why you are even on that path in the first place and reminding yourself to keep going. We lose hope in other people because human beings are broken creatures. It is our deepest desire to be wanted, needed, and loved, but there are just layers of other gunk that get in the way of us achieving that. If all else fails I want myself and I want my life. And I am just exhausted by the people around me.

what about you has changed? and what about you has stayed the same?

you do learn about yourself when you travel. but sometimes it's not even about being shocked or about having epiphanies, it's about returning to the same routines you have always known existed. routine is not always bad. it shows you who you are, reminds you of where you're from, gives you your blessings in return. i'm trying to understand life but i think we can only get happiness from what we are able to give to other people. everyone's job, in some way, relates to doing something for others. even if we are unable to have direct contact with them, we care about them in some way.

i guess i didn't really think of the others
when i sent off that thought into the world
and i guess i've gotten selfish and in my own head
and defining everything by how i see it
i guess i lost myself for awhile
and saw specks of disheartenment in things that didn't even contain it
i guess i wanted to see the world the way i saw it
i guess saw it the way i wanted to see it

if you asked me today what i thought i was going to do in the future
would it really even matter?
doesn't it matter more how we treat the people in our lives
who have done nothing but love us
than any other worldly accomplishments we could "achieve"
if we are friends with our own selves, our mortality
we realize that this is fleeting and ultimately
love is what will heal the world

so if you are responding in anger
and if i am outbounding in rage
will it really make a difference?
the world is made up of love

if you were to ask me how i understand the world
i would say it just takes a little gluing to put together the pieces
for the ones i love are scattered and i gotta glue them together to see the whole picture

i dont love them any less

off into the world

"All we can do is follow our strongest calling, and then trust that whatever the future holds, it will enrich our lives, one way or another." I got this from an article on Tiny Buddha. (http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-make-a-difficult-decision-30-tips-to-help-you-choose/)


This is what I'm doing right now, following whatever is strongest. You never know if something will work, but you have to try. In three days....four, sorta, I leave for Ecuador. It is scary and exciting and overwhelming and comfortable, all at the same time.

I'll have a travel blog: http://kateexploresecuador.tumblr.com

denver post 2

By now we only have a few days left in Denver and then it's back off to our respective home states. It's been an amazing trip. Truly. If you've ever had an interest in coming out to Colorado, I highly suggest it! It's always been a dream of mine to come out here and maybe even make it a regular vacation spot. I love everything about it! It's fresh, nature-y, environmental, and there are many, many places to explore. For another trip out west, I'd like to go to either Arizona or California. But Colorado is definitely more than enough, even if your tastes are different from mine.

Today, I got a facial here in the city. First facial evahhhh! It was nice. And it makes you feel really relaxed!! I don't have the money to make this a regular thing. But it was definitely cool to try out and especially on vacation. Tonight we head to the famous Red Rocks Amphitheater to see an outdoor movie. Kind of like a drive-in, but in the reddish canyons of a nearby park! Very exciting, yes? Well, we are certainly excited. We haven't quite decided what to do tomorrow, but my vote is for some kind of museum or something.

I feel this vacation has given me exactly what I needed. 1) clarity. vision to see inside what i really want and who i really am. 2) quality time with my best friend. much needed! two weeks is not even enough! it's really been great to be able to have so much quality time. and 3) pampering! everyone needs a little pampering every now and then.

We may also try to fit in one more hike before we go. We'll see!

boulder post 2

Since arriving in Boulder I've been a crab. I've been completely ungrateful about this lovely trip I'm on and instead have been occupying my mind with the worries of gosh knows what, giving in to nervousness about uncertainty and not appreciating what's right in front of me. Tomorrow this changes. There is no way this is okay with me. I need to engross myself in the stories of others. The lives of others. In fact, I am going to go ahead and banish all other thoughts out of my mind besides getting into the stories of others.

Time to read. Time to learn. Time to give up everything I thought I was and everything that I think everyone needs. Time to just exist.

boulder post 1

Guess I fell asleep a little too soon for a couple nights in a row. Back to the blogging--we white-water rafted! Both for the first time, and it was fantastic. The water, splashing on us so cold but refreshing, felt amazing and we both wanted to stay out there on the rapids (read: creek) to raft all day long! We do have pictures--like legit pictures, taken by a real photographer--which we purchased so we get to load those soon. :) Today we arrived in the Boulder area but we haven't yet seen the city. That comes tonight. We spent a large portion of the day hanging out at the local sushi place, talking and of course eating. Either tomorrow or the next day we tackle the nearby areas of the national park. Shall be exciting, probably, and now we have more experience in preparing for a longer hike. Our hotel here is nice and we are lapping up the luxury--but to be honest, I already miss the hot springs and being able to jump in a warm pool at a moment's notice. Visiting a hot springs in the southwest is definitely something I want to continue to do in my future. It's truly relaxing and makes me grateful to be able to soak up that relaxation.

I've been a little off today, and I guess yesterday, and I'm not sure why that is but I feel a little off center. I need to get back on point quick and be grateful for everything that is in front of me. I am grateful, I mean, but I want to get back on center. I think I'm feeling the weight of not knowing what kind of job I'll have when I return back to the states--it's been feeling like it's looming over me and I know this is something a lot of other graduates are facing as well. I guess all we can do is be brave and have a little faith and hope for lady luck to be on our side. In the meantime I'll try my best to enjoy the beauty of Colorado. :)