I think if you get used to writing, whether or not you originally like it, and then all of a sudden you stop, you are bound to miss it. In college I felt forced to record my thoughts and musings, but now I find that if I do not force myself to write about what I feel and think about what I'm doing, it goes totally unrecorded and unheard. It is my first year of teaching and if you were to look at the files or resources I do have, you'd be wondering where the rest of the artifacts are. I only plan a few days in advance and am not following my long term plan to a T, so everything doesn't connect together. Often I feel a lot of emotions throughout the day but no record of it goes anywhere. I like doing what I do, I like the challenge of it. I like not knowing what the next day will bring but being there anyway. I like the smiles of the kids and the emotions they have as well. I don't think I'm anywhere close to being a transformational teacher but I do try. I can't imagine myself doing anything else, I'm addicted to being around them and to trying to help. And then I say that (in writing) and automatically feel exhausted at the prospect of all there is to do. So much is on our shoulders, so much is expected out of us. And how much support can really be offered, to aid us in the journey to rectify what should have been done a long time ago? It does feel like my path and it does feel like I belong. Like I said, I couldn't imagine doing anything else. But it is hard. Often I feel sinking doubt or even what I'd call anxious despair. If I don't get this right, I think, it really matters and if they go down it's my fault. I have faith but then the entire boat is rocked and everything is turned up on its head. You wonder who is with you for the long haul or whether you're in it totally alone. And the doubt and the anxiety begin to become your ruler, not your light or your faith.
I find myself afraid to love, because if you love too deeply and then you watch them fail, it's even worse than watching yourself fail. Even though I have a life separate from it all, they are who I work on behalf of. They are the reason why I do it. It's exhausting but it's necessary.
9 months ago