So it's the new year. Almost. What has this past year taught us? About ourselves, about the people we care about, about the world? I feel this is a question we always must ask ourselves. Constant reflection is key.

Even if we think we've stopped growing, or at a standstill, there is still growth going on. This is something I've learned.

thinking of hard topics is pleasing

the title. sometimes it's all in the title, right? see above. haha. no, but really, sometimes thinking of something hard is pleasing. it's looking a challenge or something that's hard for you right in the face and saying, "i'm not afraid of you anymore. i'm going to deal with you, and i'm going to conquer the bad feelings you give me until it's not scary anymore." i rarely mention ecuador. sometimes i think i pretend it didn't exist. i guess because it was built up in my mind for so long as this great opportunity, and then i just kind of lost it while it was there. i still can't explain it to this day, you know? how it happened. why it happened. or maybe there's no explanation for it. maybe it just did.

for so long i believed i would change the world. all of my energy would be enough to solve so many different issues, just within latin america alone. okay, i make it sound like it was some big cloud fantasy land, and it's not like i thought that *I* alone could solve un monton of problems and had these delusions of grandeur. no, but i did think it would be this area i would keep passion for. turns out, no. it was something i wanted to keep passion for, wanted to feel that way about, but kinda lost interest in as time went on. when i took german, the passion for germany grew. then, this summer, i even got interested in the middle east. (i say "even" because traditionally that was the area i was least interested in while studying international relations, and most people were the opposite). i started to realize that my passion wasn't for latin america specifically. it switched around, to different parts of the world, depending on the time period. i have passion for the world in general. for global issues. for travel. for comparison. for wonderings, musings, facts, beliefs, superstitions, ideas, generations, destructions and creations.

i think if i was more honest with myself earlier on, i would have realized that my mind had changed since i had first planned ecuador. i would have realized that my true passion at the time was for going to germany, and continuing to study german. but i thought that was kinda flighty and it was better to stick with one path. now i see it would have been better off if i had allowed myself to rejuvenate by honoring that new passion.

I have been doing a lot of thinking. Again, yes. I'm on benadryl now so am finally feeling that warm, fuzzy, sleepy feeling that sort of crawls over you. It's wonderful. There's almost nothing better than this feeling. (warning: future benadryl addict?) anyway.

Teach for america is a huge commitment. Just seeing how intensive the institute is going to be, i am a bit overwhelmed to be honest. They will keep you there day after day until you learn the methods, pass the tests. But there is something deep within me that is rising to the surface again. I know that this is my destiny. Even if i am stuck in math, my least favorite subject ever and one that i will probably have issues with, it still is. It still is my destiny. There's something about working with kids that forever rejuvenates me. The spirit that they have, the hardship that they can endure...it's just incredible. It inspires me in a way I can't explain.

I'm going to share something with you. When I was in my interview, I didn't follow the script I set out for myself. I think whenever I've done well in an interview or in a certain type of situation, it's because I did abandon the script and just did whatever came to heart or mind. I told her about Baltimore. I told her about the kids that captured my heart and did not let go of it. (Of course, I didn't tell her all the details, but I want to record them now). There was a little boy there. He came up to me, and he had been just smiling at me for awhile. Like he knew something. I know that sounds like I'm projecting thoughts on to someone else, a little boy no less, but it's like he knew. He came to me after knowing me for awhile, grabbed at the side of my shirt, and whispered in my ear, "Isn't he cute?" Talking about another little boy in the class. It's like he knew I was gay. And that he could tell me this, somehow. He made a couple more comments, and keep in mind this little boy was only about 7. It touched me in a way I couldn't explain. I still can't explain it fully....like he trusted, he knew, and he had this secret inside of him. The other little boy (the one he was talking about) seemed to know something was going on, so he shouted "what did he say?! what did he say?!" and I wouldn't tell him.

These kids touched my heart. I mean really. My heart is not always touched as much as you might think. For someone who eats up romantic comedies and junk like she's paid to do it, I don't always expect to be, or am actually that touched. But this touched me. Those kids made my life have meaning. Just the enthusiasm...I mean the blind enthusiasm.

"we are more than this world has to offer. we are more than the wars of our fathers."

I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot. And even though I'm signed up for some sweet classes this upcoming semester, I think I have to say so long to all of them and drop the classes. The reason for it is this. I started doing this the beginning of this past summer semester. Just adding classes and continuing along this frenzied path. And the whole time, it has been making me unhappy. It's like busy work and more busy work and it's lost its true meaning. It's not that I don't appreciate the intellectual stimulation and activity--that's why I keep chasing classes in the first place--but it's like overkill and I'm over being younger and wanting to do well in school where there are these grades, these tests. I've gotta get out. I've gotta drop the courses.
And live my life. Lol.

Anyway, work is going fairly well. I came to the realization that who I worked with really determined how much I enjoyed the session, for the most part. Not totally, but with such competition that some people create, versus an enjoyable, collegial environment. I really like working in sales when it's not all competitive and people aren't just like cut-throat. Not to mention rude. But when it's good, it's good, like I've said. I could see myself staying with this type of thing, hoping to rise in the ranks, get a small promotion, eventually maybe working more with human resources. I like helping an organization run smoother and doing a good job.

I want to spend my time--during the next few weeks--knitting, watching "Elf," playing with animals, watching other Christmas movies and episodes, reading (a lot!), catching up on politics, getting organized and getting my room orderly, donating clothes and leftover things, working on my Portuguese again, spending time with friends, drinking semi-gross holiday themed wines, getting organized--this is listed twice on purpose, and planning for the future.

Yay!

(update: i just ate protein, and this must have been what i was missing. this zing of energy is better than any coffee i had this week! shit son.) I had the most exhausting day at work today. Literally I'm lying here and all I can do is like attempt to prop my own body as best as possible. Lol. It was like another black friday today, somehow, I guess with the combination of the sale going on and the nearer proximity to Christmas, everyone decided to go to the mall today in droves. It was totally insane, with shoes practically being thrown and all of us racing around. There was a good hour straight where I was sweating, just like when I go for a run. I'd have to wipe the sweat off my brow before talking to a customer. Haha. But, I'm glad it's over, and I actually managed to make commission today, which is good since I haven't even been making my minimum lately and it's starting to make me look bad with my supervisors. Anyway. I just hope I can keep the job. And by keep the job I mean, I hope they will consider hiring me on as permanent part-time in the company as opposed to temporary part time. I could use the job even after January, even if just for weekends for some extra cash. And, if I don't get another job, I could use it as my regular job. Although I think I'd rather work two jobs, and have that variety, then be running for shoes day after day.

This is the most physical job I've ever had before. I've had standing up on feet jobs before, and even jobs on sales floors, but not like this. Sometimes you literally have to be jogging through the back room because you know that customer is waiting and somehow you just can't find that boot that they want. Anyway. Normally, I like it. (And don't have so much to say about it). I get to work with people, and especially, the one-on-one work is nice. When it's slower, you have the chance to really treat someone with kindness and improve their day. I LOVE that and appreciate that about my job so much. But days like this, when it's just madness and chaotic and people are freaking out about deals.....God, I just want to crawl away. Lol.

Even though I'm so ready for the classes this semester to be over (Geology has slowly gone from yay! this is cool! rock identification! to what the heck is he talking about how does this relate to volcanoes) I'm somehow more ready to consider grad school. Maybe because I do realize (in more practical ways) what doors it can open for me. But also because I haven't had the chance to do the things I really love--media and communication studies, foreign language, political and cultural studies--and I realize how much I still want that to be part of my life, and ESPECIALLY part of my future.

"Moving" but not in the grand sense.

Whew. Noticed it's been awhile since I last posted. Okay, to update, I've been working for the past month. I got a job in sales--shoes and boots, specifically, haha--and have been pretty much hangin with that for awhile. It's, for most of the time, very enjoyable and I really like working with the coworkers and the customers and really just being a positive entity out there on the sales floor. Occasionally it gets overwhelming but overall it's not bad. I got into Teach for America, so there's that on the table, but it doesn't start for quite awhile. I'll just be living, chilling, working, and more for the time being. And it feels great! Life moves on and it moves ahead and I'm right there moving with it.