"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

27 December 2010

s. t. t. p.

It's the end of fall semester. It couldn't be easily categorized as a "bumpy ride" but it hasn't been all smooth or happy sailing. It's winter break. It's the time in between. It's the time to sit down and realize what all went down this semester and why.

I was a senior in college this year and it felt pretty much right on target. Going out with friends, frequenting the local bars, getting to know what happy hours were where. Of course me being me throughout school I would constantly be asking myself in my inner dialogue "Is this right? What should I do? Should I do this? Should I do that?" Someone's gotta do something about this line of questioning. Obviously that someone needs to be me. Anyway, in that sense, this semester was like all the others. Never fully fitting into the college framework--I enjoy it, a lot, don't get me wrong--but never quite fitting in the hole for the peg. I didn't have a lot of time to myself, but I can't say it was all happy socializing either. School took a huge toll on me, but mostly my work outside of schoolwork did. It took me quite awhile to get used to my new job, and it ate up quite a bit of time.

We can't get better at ourselves without mistakes, so even though I've proven the conclusion again and again that its better to commit to less, do less, but with more quality (quality, not quantity in activity) I still apparently piled on the load for the fall. But you learn with age and with mistake.

It's weird thinking that soon I'll be done with this school. This is where I've spent four years, growing, embarrassing myself, learning, getting better or worse at being a student, enjoying, and all the other stuff. I think I feel pretty average about it. Not overly sentimental or weeping, but not booking the first train outta here either. Just a healthy kind of departure. I don't know where I'm heading next but I know that I'm okay with it.

My heart will win. That's what I really want to say. I guess to the outsider it sounds vague and sentimental in a bad way, but to me it means something a bit more specific. Maybe it's not the heart that I intend to say. Maybe it's the soul. My soul guides my career, it guides my reason for being in college, it guides my need for reflection and my need for new food for the soul. ....This is starting to sound like I'm writing this for Hallmark.


25 December 2010

Every year up until this one, I've written a "special" (as i've deemed it) Christmas Eve entry in my blog. This year I didn't. This year's Christmas was different. Not bad different. Definitely not. Just different. I feel like I'm constantly learning these days. I think I needed a break somewhere in between all the intensity of this semester and never got one. It was constant work, and mostly constant stress. Now I'm finally destressing and its like I have to learn, literally, how to kick back and enjoy myself over a prolonged period of time. To be honest, I didn't do as well in school as I would have liked, but I think this was largely because I discovered a hindrance: i can't stand research. Like can't stand. I know there are some who just get a big hoot from it, and could sit and read and write all day--and maybe occasionally I feel this way. But I didn't feel that way at all this time around. It was like one giant chore where every page was a stretch haha. And there were quite. a few. pages.

I'm glad to have those courses behind me and to release myself from them. You have no idea how good it feels just to know I don't have to take those classes anymore. Anyway, enough talk about school, its really gotten boring. Sometime it just seems being a student takes over--especially being a student in this dang major. Something exciting that is coming up is the deadline for FEM. We are collecting submissions up until January 1st. Hopefully by then, we'll have enough submissions abound to print our issue. I'm excited to see what was submitted this year.

28 November 2010

i'm sitting here
exploding across the page
exploding, in my own right
in my own life
And you could care less

So all of that work
Across fields
to bridge gaps
was just worth nothing, nothing, nothing

And I'll go forward alone
Best believe
I'll conquer whatever's in front me

26 November 2010


Why do I never learn, or never teach myself so much that it sticks, the importance of me returning to write in my journal? It's like I never quite get it. It's important. That I come here to write. Writing, above all else to me, is the art form that speaks to me in creation and production. It's not just that I have a natural want to write, it's that it is a need. Expressing myself verbally and through typing or handwriting out my words allows me to stay sane and to organize my thoughts and to feel connected to the world. Otherwise I wander around disconnected. So am I finally coming to a conclusion? I have to have a career that allows me to write? Or am I affirming that at the end of the day, not every day but regularly, I have to remind myself to sit down and dammit write. I can't tell you and I gave up awhile ago trying to analyze career science and figure out exactly what is perfect and all of the miniscule details. I don't know at what point I became a go-with-the-flow but now I am one.

Here I sit, drinking pinot grigio and reflecting on the world and nothing feels better. This entire week I spent reading. Even though I feel I could write a 100 to 200 page paper on the general topic, I have not put a single extra sentence in my rough draft or begun a new draft to turn in as my final. That's okay with me. Anyway, this entire week I spent reading, and now I write. Now it's my turn to speak. I wonder if I couldn't be a researcher because of my experience with this project: one of frustration, constant frustration haha. I didn't expect it. I've written long research papers before and never has it felt quite like this. Anyway, a lot of my semester has revolved around reading books or websites or documents specifically for this project, so it's kind of hard to avoid talking about it. If I could go back, knowing what information is out there, I'm not sure I would have chose this as the one topic I would focus on for my senior seminar. But gotta roll with it, ya know?

I find myself simultaneously becoming stronger in my articulation of my career and academic purposes because I am clearer and more focused, and also becoming more resistant to various paths because I realize I couldn't last in them. What I am left with is ironically an offshot of the dilemma that began freshman year when I couldn't decide for the life of me if I wanted to devote to the arts and humanities, or still with the harder and colder social sciences. To go off and be an artist, or to enroll in masters programs in the social sciences? This will be something I'll have to figure out, but I just don't care about worrying anymore. I just wanna be a hippie and follow my bliss.
Lorsh I never thought I'd say that.

I think it's reflective of a larger theme. Not trying to force on other people a certain perspective that grates on theirs. You gotta meet them where they're at. And then go forward. I guess there are times where you need to propel yourself, and your view, regardless of the consequences. But lately that need hasn't cropped up.

I got some Thanksgiving text messages that warmed my heart. I am truly blessed. There's a bright future in front. All I have to do is believe.

21 September 2010

"quote analysis"

is it any surprise...that here i am, in place of reading articles for coursework? Haha, of "course" not. (haha!) so, anyway, i do feel like writing though. it's not completely illegitimate that i'm here, ne? i like that my blog is not frequented publicly. it makes me think it's still somehow private, somehow shrouded in shawdow, yet wholly in a public space and slightly in your face, as well.

i'm thinking that we do live in a globalized world. i'm thinking that it does matter--all this technology, these new modes and methods, this lifestyle we have chosen. It's frenzied, is it not? i don't want to sign up to live on the next commune, and separate myself from modernity, but i want to get closer to some kind of inner vein.

Have you ever read Tuesdays with Morrie? I don't think we ruminate on death enough. And I think we should...because it would bring us closer to the opposite.

There are two things now, from the book, that I want to touch upon. Of course they are quotes, because if you ever read my stuff, my writing, you know that this is how I communicate best (i think).

The first is,
"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."
this is from pg.43

upon my first reading of this book (2007), this quote i carried with me so much that i immediately decorated a note card with it, carried the card to freshman year of college, and clipped it into one of those clippy photo holders, on my desk. i felt that i had discovered this during my senior year of high school: that community service sometimes sucks, though sometimes you try to do volunteer work and people take advantage of you and use you for free labor, ultimately, it is in this commitment that we find we are free. a paradox, no? it is part of something.it is not just to do with (_____), either...it has to do with being a citizen. to saying, "okay, i am here, what can i do? how i use myself, my personality, my strengths, to give something here?" to say it's "giving not getting" is to oversimplify. it's more than that...do you know what i mean? i wish i could express better what this means to me.

the second quote i want to touch upon is this. it comes from pg. 61.
"You closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too-even when you are in the dark. Even when you're falling."

i think this one speaks for itself more, but of course...i want to extrapolate a little more anyway. i think it speak to vulnerability. we avoid this so. much. appearances, appearances, appearances, dictate. and sometimes i just can't stand it. blah blah...anyway, i'll wrap this up, getting windy.

Last is, this. Not sure of page number. A note on culture.
"People are only mean when they're threatened, and that's what our culture does...And when you get threatened, you start looking out only for yourself. You start making money a god. It is all part of this culture."

Can we get past this?

17 September 2010

i try and i fail and i try and i fail, but eventually, i will succeed.

31 August 2010

so don't let it get to your head
and don't think it's okay to take those swirls and throw them away
someday it'll come back to you
i was standing there and then you left

30 August 2010


i need to be strong even when i feel weak
push forward even when i think i can't
i need to keep going though confusion clouds my eyes
need to stop thinking and dive in for the ride

that song i always think of in times like this is repeating through my head
but its hard, i want to cry out
its hard to follow your guidance
and i feel sad

and i want to make an artwork about it. my sadness. and i would name it self-titled and it would be an outline of a word. with wonderful, flowery tendrils inside, competing with each other to stand out the most.

now, i think of another song
"if i traded it all
if i gave it all away
for one thing
wouldn't that be something?
if i sorted it out
if i knew all about
this one thing
would't that be something?"

10 August 2010

i feel very.....meditative today. i'm not sure why this is. maybe it's because i recently completed an excellent book....the type that refreshes you, reminds you why life is so wonderful, and prods little knobs in your brain that you want to keep lightly touching and turning. ( *EDIT: This book was called "If you follow me" and i highly recommend it!) maybe it's because i woke up and it's a new day and the worries of yesterday seem pretty far away. maybe it's because i'm blessed enough to have multiple opportunities in front of me, down the road. either way, i feel like taking this day to say thanks. thank you to the people in my life who give me hope and remind me that humankind is not all bad, thank you to the kids who make me smile with their youthful energy, and thank you to my family for being like unfailing rocks in my life, showing me that love isn't always zig zaggy static but can just sit there, stagnant but strong in its stance.

i don't feel like holding things in. i don't feel like being dishonest with people and doing roundabouts and avoiding topics to protect myself, or even to protect them. i have the urge to love freely and without reign and i do not want to ignore that urge.

05 August 2010

itzzzz a thursday.

to do list.

get out attic sitter from our house. (i am convinced there is a man/woman living in our attic)

clean room and make tidy.

clean car. and make tidy.

stop freaking out for every oral exam online. (aka why im making lists right now, shakily sipping coffee, and finding multiple distractions)

finish reading this book.

to add to bucket list.

#22. learn how to front(ward) flip
#23. publish a poem
#24. submit a drawing to a college literary magazine
#25. visit denver, co
#26. write a short story by the end of this summer (even if its bad)

win 100 points in my book if you can tell me this poet without looking it up.
Galopa la noche en su yegua sombría
desparramando espigas azules sobre el campo

01 August 2010

five attempted entries today boil down (to this one notion. )

i seriously feel like running down this (in the dark) street and scream-singing Carrie Underwood songs along the way. normal? only partially. therapeutic? yes.

25 July 2010

now officially a tumblr user. for quotes, vids, pics. Still loyal to Blogger though.
says why the quote on: my Tumblr

24 July 2010

su orgullo es su debilidad,
usted sólo no lo ve como que lo es.

22 July 2010

so i enlisted in the tumblr army. (aka signed up for a blog on tumblr). However, i'm attached to Blogger. First of all, it rhymes with Frogger.
Second of all, i mean...Blogger is like..a part of me. It's like peanut butter. If I were to go without it, or switch to a different spread, like Nutella, it would be just bad. I would forever be longing for the peanutty taste of peanut butter. And nothing would satisfy that craving, except for the peanut butter. Hence, why I write now.
I think I'm going crazy. I got back from Brasil and now feel crazy constantly. Nothing makes sense to me. Why are people driving so slow? And why do they not weave in and out of traffic? Why can't I walk in the road? Why can't I order a cheese and chicken bun for breakfast? All of these things perplex me. They say America's like land of progress and fast pace but like, everyone's slow here. And for heaven's sake..I'M slow. If I think everyone else is slow, there must be something going on...

Anyway, rumeniscings (yes, invented the word, so sue me.) semi-complete. Haven't done art in quite awhile. Feel rather unmotivated. Thoroughly enjoying the library. As always. And the gourmet helado. Okay, SO, just loving information. Loving it. LOVING. IT.
Information flows are fantastic. I want to learn about random things. Don't take this the wrong way, but I want to learn about Joseph Stalin. His motivations. Mostly because they discuss Chairman Mao and Stalin's relationship in the book I'm reading right now. But seriously. Don't take this the wrong way. I'm about to start an oral exam. That's why I'm jumpy and babbling. :)

okay bye!

05 July 2010

grateful, grateful, grateful.

19 June 2010

"sometimes the hardest thing
and the right thing
are the same"

17 June 2010

fuego por ti (fui) and español + portugués BRASIL

you know when you get a song stuck with you, but its not because the melody is just stuck in your head....its because it just. sticks. with you??
thats this song. its just so beautiful to me.

these are the parts i know.

con el dolor
llega el fantasma de tu voz
ya no llore mi amor.


frio el adios
la despedida de los dos

fuego por ti
hoy solo quedan las cenizas
los restos de mi

todo, y sin ti
desaparezco poco a poco y me perdi
dentro de mi.

a tu lado fui
tan fuerte
nunca imagine
no...no, no, no

fuego por ti
hoy solo quedan las cenizas
los restos de mi.

todo y sin ti
desaparezco poco a poco y me perdi
dentro de mi.

cant help myself. its just too dang beautiful.

in other news. Brasil is lovely. i never know how to describe it. i feel like music or no words, siléncio, is the only way to actually describe it. of course it is not what i expected. but it is wonderful just the same. i tried to avoid the internet but everyone has their weakness and being able to blog, to check the news, to kind of just disappear and write and read for awhile (about whaaaaatever i want) is my weakness. other people have TV, boys, etc, so i have mah thang, yeah? School is challenging but at the same time you can tell that even the profs want to hit the beach and drink some caipirinhas.

the water is also lovely here. its not necessarily the most beautiful water but the power of the coastline is incredible. at night the waves crash in and in a storm, the ocean looks cuh-razy!

there is not much else to write that i can put into words. i have to just live it.
but ill keep singing ;)

21 May 2010

"But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious Hand which preserved us in peace, and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us; and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own."

Abraham Lincoln

17 May 2010

what i want.

I really want to be a better person. There are only about 10 minutes to ruminate on this, but I've come to this conclusion. This idea, this "being a better person"....I've been thinking on it for about the past month. What does this mean, what does this include, where do I go from here?
For me, specifically, it means structuring my life better so that I get to do the things I love and become a healthier, happier, person. I don't want negativity in my life because there are too many awesome things floating around out there and because negative people in my life are more harm than good.
I want to do things that make me feel good. When I have the chance to take a class that will make me feel good, (ie: film and nation), I'd rather take that class over one that I feel I should take, or should be interested in (ie: intl. development). Because, those "should be" feelings have really gotten me before. I should be this, I should do that. No, I SHOULD be myself. And the more I've fought that in the past, the more unhappy I've been.

One new goal is to not flake out. If I tell someone I'm going to do something, or be somewhere, I want to do that thing or be in that place. And that doesn't invoke a sense of rigidity, as in if others don't do that, I get upset, but just in terms of managing my self, I'd like to aspire to that.

I'd like to increase my motivation. I want to actually push myself and challenge myself to new levels. I don't want to take a ton of new classes and just like overload, but I want to select those classes carefully and dedicate myself to pursuing subjects I enjoy or am very interested in. For example, I am actually enthused about learning Portuguese. There are only 2.5 weeks till Brazil now, but that's still enough time to learn the basics!

07 May 2010


Whoa! It's been about a month since an official post. i hadn't realized it had been so long.

this has been a weird week. i mean, i don't like sectioning off time like that (like, "this week," starting exactly on sunday or monday and continuing through today) but for the most part, it did shift on monday. my feeling....or the general feelingS in the air....or something.

the same cds play on for me and i think i need some new music. but what to listen to?
i want to create pieces to prepare even the tiniest bit to sooooomedayyyyyy apply to an MFA program....but find myself at a loss. they say to draw from life (not from photos) but getting my hands on interesting photos to draw is a heck of a lot easier than choosing people to pose/draw from life. (plus im extra choosy when it comes to drawing from life so it's a double whammy). okay, i'm not even making sense.

point is, i sit down and want to do some cool compositions and realize that at least this week, at least for this one, strange, sectioned-off week, i am unable to be particularly inspired by anything visual. perhaps it's because i've been devouring short stories and now am caught up in the visual imagery of words rather than mere images. perhaps it's because i'm frustrated and don't have the patience to sit down and sketch for hours. in fact, i know i am impatient, feel impatient. i want to go home this weekend but can't just go home every time i want to go home.

the other three to four (maybe five) blogs of friends i read on a regular basis, focus on what those people are doing for society. "society," what a broad term.

yes, they write about what they do for society or for work but as a [current] art student.........it's almost by nature that i must be self-absorbed. because even might i choose to sketch the people around me or the natural life around me......it still has to come from ME. Me, personally, and my own vision and my own "Way of Seeing."

Don't get me wrong. I want to DO FOR society. Teach for, society. Or whateva. Lol. but.............................and maybe i'm far removed from real suffering, currently...actually, yes, i am, very, very, very far removed from witnessing any real suffering. But isn't that the case? And to address what someone else wrote recently........We, at least as Americans (i can't speak to truly being a national of somewhere else, though i weirdly think of Singapore everytime i speak of nationality)

are separate and removed. We don't see real change, on a broad level, happen very often. Sure, we can do a good deed and get a little warm fuzzy from that or whatever, or even help plan an event that makes people happy in some way, and get a lot of good from that, but we don't see the physical ripples that laws make as they are instated or broken down, we don't see how our politics impact society in a directly visual way, and even our neighborhoods are separated so that unless you are in poverty, too, or work directly with poverty, you do not understand the
V I S U A L I T Y of W E A L T H.

When I read traveler's short stories, or travel blogs, or abroad blogs, or Peace Corps blogs, etc, etc, people often write of going somewhere and being shocked by the fancy, wealthy resorts that are directly beside "slums," or areas of poverty. People, Americans, to be more specific, often notice this visual difference. Here, if you're deep in the Bronx, you're deep the Bronx, but if you're not, you're not, and that contrast is not immediate. It's like graphite here in the U.S. ...but abroad it's like charcoal. The contrast is UNAVOIDABLE, it is striking.

I guess what I'm getting at is: it's easy to insult Americans. It's easy to tell us, tell other people, or tell ourselves that we are lazy or don't care enough or are too concerned with ourselves and not with humanity, and to a large degree this is true.

But I think we do care. I think at our core, at our Americanness center, is a want to better the world. I really do. I think of how many people latched on the idea of Hope, Change, for the Obama campaign. Okay, so he hasn't done anything particularly impactful yet. And maybe his run at the job so far is anti-climactic. But I just think of the impact on the black community and on the white community (not to mention others) that his candidacy had on America. "Change we can believe in." A well-chosen slogan, sir. And people.....they DO want something to believe in. They want to know that if they give $20 dollars to some charity, that $20 will actually be used in useful ways. Yeah, we trust in the Red Cross cause we trust a name. And maybe that says something about our materialism or ridiculous faith in brands or whatever, but it also says that we want quality.

We want quality in thought and in practice. And we are young and naive (when compared to the tradition and tried and true practices of, say, the English) but we want something to believe in and we work hard and it's hard to navigate the waters. Of our politics. And our system. And maybe our system rewards some effed-up behavior but I don't think it's necessarily a reflection on us as a whole. Maybe it's human error. And there's human error everywhere. Even in the poorest areas of Asia, some of the less poor take advantage of the poorest. It's human nature. It's a universal. And we have to be smart enough to correct our system where we see flaws (HEALTHCARE *bright flashing lights*)
and such.

Okay end rant.

14 April 2010

they say life is a highway
and its milestones are the years
and now and then
there's a tollbooth
where you buy your way with tears


13 April 2010


When I was about eight years old my "imagination was launched" (R. Serra) the moment I looked down from the mountain overpass in Hong Kong, way down below to the valley where the downtown city was located. It was dusk and the skyscraper with the needle and the changing colors was purple...then changed to blue. The vast space surprised me. The buildings large and small, magnified and reduced. I wondered why we paid so much to go to amusement parks or to do touristy things that cost 80 HKD when this was better. But maybe that was better left unaddressed. I wanted to be left alone up there. Watching. Waiting to be enveloped into that space.

04 April 2010

i would spend days
if i could
it's not as if i don't hurt too
or don't feel it
maybe i get numb
every (1) once in awhile
and have to fight it back
or fight for my
goodness back
earning it only when he's ready
i go to cleveland
to "find myself"
but i'm not here
go to nowhere,
go to everywhere
the place i aggrandize in my wildest
past dreams
but it's not here either
i'm not here either
perhaps i'm sick of individuality
the only times i feel me
are when i am effortless and part of not me
but a giant, amorphous we
and i am lost in the drawing
on the page
takes me so long just to make a couple marks
but four and a half hours are gone and i haven't noticed that my first model
girl moved out of the picture
and i can't draw her tshirt perfectly
but i lost myself
and found
and lost and found and lost and found
in the water and the branch of the tree
there is no me
only specific concentrated energy
built to last for a few decades then blow back up into smoke again
you want to know why i can't contain myself
but i'm fully aware that i'm not built to last and when im drawing i'm thinking of the silver light
the silver light i let myself feel thinking it couldn't
possibly be real
but it was and all of a sudden i am here alone and

26 March 2010

no one else can feel it for you
only you can let it in
no one else, no one else
can speak the words on your lips

drench yourself in words unspoken
live your life with arms wide open

i break tradition
sometimes my tries
are outside the lines
we've been conditioned
to not make mistakes
but i can't live that way,

staring at the blank page before you
open up the dirty window
let the sun illuminate the words
that you could not find

18 March 2010

When I was in high school---fresh outta middle school, just entering the scary world of 2000 plus people milling about in super small hallways, yelling things, bumping to music, seniors pushing past still snot-nosed fourteen year olds, scoffing on the way to their cars in the senior lot down at the bottom of the hill---I used to blog. Almost every day. I would allow myself to care, allow myself to bleed, to show emotion, to cry, to be sad over the people and the things and the places that I missed. I never felt apologetic. I never really worried if someone saw me crying.

I'm twenty now. I'm supposed to be moving into adulthood. Every one around me has a grown-up job. And I am ashamed to cry.

I am scared to show weakness. I am scared to grow up and most importantly, I am scared of being alone. Even as I pray to the god I choose, I am scared of being alone. My phrase this year has been "What's easy is not always right." The choices I've made haven't been easy. I don't know if that makes them right but I don't care to analyze data in search of regret fragments. Did I choose based on other people? Did I choose based on what I wanted?
How can you possibly separate out those things? But those questions I ask.

I think of her face. The fourteen year old girl...pensive, now, not because of the algebra but something she won't say and instead she hides behind slightly caustic, sarcastic comments, and she reminds me of my fourteen year old self. Perhaps that is what takes me back, or I'm just prone to nostalgia....

I write to survive and nothing less. I write to live life the way I want to live---both painfully and joyfully aware of all of the ups and downs it has to offer. How do you choose without looking to others? How can you stand on your own two feet, refusing to lean on anyone, without missing something? P.D. used to say you must avoid dependence, and independence, and work towards interdependence. He won't even meet with me now. I don't care. I will love him until the day I die--the professor who helped to show me the light of the world, helped me to believe that the written word can ignite the fire in the soul, can breathe life in God's words, and nothing less.
But only if they're written right.

I am scared to make bad choices. I am scared to give in. I am scared to not give in and let the outside make my choices for me. I only speak of high school so much because it's not where I am at right now. When I was in high school, middle school was where it was it. Fuck man...in middle school I was probably talking about how great elementary school was. Sentiment--it'll get ya.

You know that one Vagina Monologue? where she lists the memories?
"Memory: five years old. The pretty lady....."

I have those. that is the order in which I often think.
Memory: 17 years old. I am driving down the interstate I frequented every damn day. There's the bronze dome. Why do they say it's ugly? It completes this city. Bitterness ekes out the side of my beloved car. My runaway car. My escape car. My everything car. I live in him, think in him, dream in him. He is part of me. He can span a state in a day. With him I can go anywhere. Bitterness runs down the sides...becomes a part of the oil and the tire grease left on the road. It is nothing and of no comparison to what I experience now: a greed-less power. An effortless and want-less existence. And I zoom away knowing I have deep black coffee to look forward to and hours of mix cds. Goodbye. If you didn't want to say goodbye you didn't have to.

Memory: 17 years old. Three black coffees later. I am ready to see this new town. Village, as I think of it. Global wanderer, proudly stamped on my chest, but ready for a humble abode. It is nothing. All of a sudden...where is this place? Is that the mall? Is this it? a Meijer? Too small to be acceptable...but i'll wait...Flash forward to first day of school. Matching North Face backpacks. Blond, flowing hair. (why are they all blond?) pavement leading up to a beautiful glass structure. (how is this a high school?) Perhaps everywhere is like this. Small town midwest. Africa. Asia. Europe. Perhaps everywhere there is cattiness...there are hierarchies....there are people who'd rather blow each other off. There are structures you cannot disentangle. There are mean people, there are nice people, there is everyone in between, and there are only a few with whom you feel a spark in your chest and feel the need to latch on, sharing with them an invisible cord that you don't want to let go of your grip on.

Perhaps you cannot help it.

19 February 2010

Like Carrie from Sex and the City...I recap my day by typing up a journal entry at 12:30 am.

Coming home from the cleaning products section of the grocery store at exactly 12:12 am, I'm eager to get started on the bathroom, the kitchen, and whatever else I can find to tidy up and clean. I have my new green products spray cleaner, extra sponges, and new paper towels. I get to the bathroom, finish the quick little cleaning it needs, then head back to my room....and plop down on my bed.

The thought of cleaning a community space excites me. I like doing dishes...(a new development) because I know that my roommates like to come home to a clean sink. Cleaning the bathroom...I mean...I wasn't able to do much because it was clean already, but, who doesn't like to come home to a clean bathroom? Who doesn't need a clean bathroom, actually? When I return to my own room, however, a different feeling settles over me. I try to coax myself to treat me as nicely as I try to treat others, but that proverbial horoscope wisdom doesn't last as long as I might like it to. I don't want to do work for myself. I don't want to. This is my problem, I've discovered. This is why I need a career goal in mind. Not necessarily because I need to know my five year plan and have every step mapped out, but because I need assurance that I'll actually be doing tangible THINGS for others and that I'll be able to see the results of that. Teaching was something I could latch onto and be like "hey, I'll be able to witness myself helping kids, kids will know me, every day will be....rewarding." Saying, "I might do something in art," is so vague, it's almost mind-numbing if you consider the scope of what that could be, not to mention terrifying when you look at alumni from art schools that are now just working for a simple branding company (gosh forbid one for cleaning products like the ones I just sifted through for a good hour while the stock boys looked on in confusion).

It's not that I don't believe in the work that I'm doing here. Or, the "process," I'm not sure if taking a couple of classes and spending most of my time wandering and pondering can be considered "work." I am enjoying art so much. Enjoying treating myself to new colored pencils. To a canvas. To a new tube of paint. I'm also being more materialistic, and more wrapped up in my own head....(have you noticed?) But since I am so separate from the rest of the world, currently, only seeing a few people and not my usual 1000 per day, I find myself enjoying the solitude but longing to create, to make an impact, for heaven's sake to come down here and BLOG at least instead of playing Xbox or watching American Pie 2!

Isn't that everyone's longing, though? To leave something behind in this world? To leave a mark, because we are impermanent and so we long to create something permanent? A legacy, a masterpiece, a legend, a history?

I have a thirst for a lot. I want to create art because I want to say something. Being around so many "liberals" or at least similar people to me on shallow levels at college, it's like, I don't so much feel my voice is completely unique but yet.....there is something there, you know? I think the space I occupy as a human being IS unique. I don't think there are that many people out there who are actually like me. And I think that's worth something.

17 February 2010

Unsticky Resolutions

So. It's been awhile since my last blog post, though I promised myself that this (blogging regularly) would be a New Year's resolution that would stick. It's the start of my second month here in Columbus. I do not at all regret taking time off to explore my true interests and to take a break from large loads of work. Knowing I'm missing out on a semester with friends and friendly, familiar faces is hard but knowing I'll be back in the fall is a great form of security.

I ended up dropping my intense design course, so now I have the one Figure Drawing course until the middle of March. When the middle of March hits, I will begin an online 5-credit intensive Spanish course, and a course at OSU for beginning design principles. I'm happy with the switch. This means that I will be occupied with two 5-credit classes from March until June. On the very first day of June, I will be leaving to prepare to go to Brazil. Brazil will last for one month, then I will travel around South America for a bit. After that, I'll return to Columbus for the last month and a half, then move back into my house at MSU.

My Figure Drawing course is fantastic. It's everything I want art to be. Relaxed, intense, inspiring, natural, beautiful. I love studying the human figure. Actually, I thought it might be boring to like study anatomy and look up anatomy books and try to figure out how to draw muscle of the body...now, I feel, what could be better? Though people are all different shapes and sizes, the actual form of muscles never change and the general composition of the body, so there are ways to improve at particular body parts, or the like. I like the idea of that kind of mastery. Or aiming at it.

Officially, I have declared my majors and have mapped out a plan. It sounds silly, but last night when I couldn't sleep after driving back to Cbus from MSU, at first I was watching tv programs I've never seen before but secretely been curious about--(Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, anyone?), but also, those ended and became mush or something and there was suddenly nothing on but infomercials and I stumbled across one for Tony Robbins, the motivational speaker and educator. I felt like--even though you have to pay 19.95 to actually get the deets--this quenched my thirst. Tell me, Tony! I wanted to yell out, though there were two people already asleep in this apartment, plus a hyperactive cat. Tell me how to improve my life!

Well, he did. Maybe I squeezed the already-squeezed orange to get out as much juice as possible, but hey. NOW, I want to change! No, I mean, really. I want to make a plan and stick to it. I want to accept that uncertainty exists but still make decisions anyway! So I've made decisions. No to Ecuador currently, yes to Brazil. Yes to going to OSU for a quarter. Yes to taking Spanish online. No to getting an internship right now. Yes to staying in Columbus until school starts in the fall. Finally, I have actually declared my second major as interdisciplinary humanities. This allows me to get credit for all the English courses I've already taken, credit for the public affairs classes in a new way, and finally, the ability to take art courses as part of my major. Aka, the perfect way to complete my glob of randomness in an organized fashion! My diploma will be two-fold. First, a traditional public affairs degree, and then another in art, english, and public affairs. In addition, this will allow me to work toward the specialization in design that I've always wanted. It may not prepare me directly, but my interests are so scattered and my experience so all over the place that it's obvious that I don't want to be funnelled down a particular tunnel anyway. Law school? (not really though)Grad school? Becoming a teacher in Teach for America? Volunteering abroad? Whatever! All are options.

I'm finding that the best, the very best advice I've ever gotten is "Be Yourself." No one else CAN be you. You already know who "you" "are," and you just have to tune into that and believe that you can't help yourself unless you just go along with what you already are.

19 January 2010

coming back from MU

This weekend Erika and I headed down to MU to go see Deirdre for her birthday. I am really glad we did so---it felt very familiar to go see her, her family, and Phil. Also, I enjoy the town that the college is in--it may have a plethora of interesting "Miami people" but it's quaint in its own way and beautiful to me. My only wish is that we could have gone away for longer. Now we are back in Columbus and I'm taking advantage of all the stores and buildings and things to do around me but I'm wishing to be in a small town, just playing Gamecube and waiting for E to come home, possibly hanging out with friends every now and then and writing poetry that I think is getting somewhere. :)

I'm not sure about this whole art thing....I keep rethinking taking this second class because it is a LOT of money and almost as much as like a short study abroad experience or something---should I just be taking Community Ed? Am I really going to do something with this class? These are questions I ask myself but in order to find out anything you have to actually dip into things. Try them out and see if they work. Then go from there. Navigating the adult world of work, or preparing for work, is crazy to me....That's why I kind of just want to be a teacher and play with kids all day long. Okay, I KNOW it's not that simple, but I think it would bring me happiness and make me feel fulfilled at the end of the day. All this art stuff--what am I going to do with it? And politics...hm.

This semester, though, is to lay off forcing a decision or a lightbulb aha-moment, and to just be. Number one on my list besides getting to my first Design class on time is to contact that lady back at the volunteer place I want to begin at. Number two on my list is to sign up at the Y and get moving, get running again, now that I have a working music player and some motivation to get moving again. I have to keep setting goals for myself and focusing in on those goals. I think the physical movement will especially help.

15 January 2010

Artsy Fartsy Wandering

I'm here in Columbus. I have to physically come to the library when I want to check email because I don't have internet in my house. The house is wonderful, as a sidenote---kitchen that overlooks the snow, warm and welcoming family room, perfect spacious bedroom. But, all along I've been saying to myself--you need to go blog! Now that I'm here in the library, here at a desk, I can't remember what it was I wanted to say.

I like having nowhere to be. Classes start next week but this entire week I've done nothing but hang in the library and explore town. There's nowhere I have to be. No deadlines, no meetings, not even lunches with friends yet. I am a free spirit....traversing the city boundaries, bounding through thrift stores and every branch of the Columbus public library, languidly waking up and brewing tea for myself as I read the books I check out and watch the movies.

I've wanted this for awhile. A breath of fresh air. A departure. A separation from papers and grades. I mean, what college student doesn't, right? But, I don't know, I feel like it's more than that. I'm used to leaving. If I can't leave, I get antsy. If newness in my life doesn't involve a completely different environment, it's not good enough. I want new streets, new buildings to look at when I'm driving around, new bars to sneak into. I can't. Stay. in the same. place.
Is that bad?

13 January 2010

"we do not grow absolutely, chronologically.we grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another.The past, present and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations."
anais nin

05 January 2010

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the ones who treat you right and forget about the ones who don't." anon

i mean...something to mull over, i guess.