so don't let it get to your head
and don't think it's okay to take those swirls and throw them away
someday it'll come back to you
i was standing there and then you left

self-titled.

i need to be strong even when i feel weak
push forward even when i think i can't
i need to keep going though confusion clouds my eyes
need to stop thinking and dive in for the ride

that song i always think of in times like this is repeating through my head
but its hard, i want to cry out
its hard to follow your guidance
and i feel sad

and i want to make an artwork about it. my sadness. and i would name it self-titled and it would be an outline of a word. with wonderful, flowery tendrils inside, competing with each other to stand out the most.

now, i think of another song
"if i traded it all
if i gave it all away
for one thing
wouldn't that be something?
if i sorted it out
if i knew all about
this one thing
would't that be something?"

i feel very.....meditative today. i'm not sure why this is. maybe it's because i recently completed an excellent book....the type that refreshes you, reminds you why life is so wonderful, and prods little knobs in your brain that you want to keep lightly touching and turning. ( *EDIT: This book was called "If you follow me" and i highly recommend it!) maybe it's because i woke up and it's a new day and the worries of yesterday seem pretty far away. maybe it's because i'm blessed enough to have multiple opportunities in front of me, down the road. either way, i feel like taking this day to say thanks. thank you to the people in my life who give me hope and remind me that humankind is not all bad, thank you to the kids who make me smile with their youthful energy, and thank you to my family for being like unfailing rocks in my life, showing me that love isn't always zig zaggy static but can just sit there, stagnant but strong in its stance.

i don't feel like holding things in. i don't feel like being dishonest with people and doing roundabouts and avoiding topics to protect myself, or even to protect them. i have the urge to love freely and without reign and i do not want to ignore that urge.

itzzzz a thursday.

to do list.

get out attic sitter from our house. (i am convinced there is a man/woman living in our attic)

clean room and make tidy.

clean car. and make tidy.

stop freaking out for every oral exam online. (aka why im making lists right now, shakily sipping coffee, and finding multiple distractions)

finish reading this book.


to add to bucket list.

#22. learn how to front(ward) flip
#23. publish a poem
#24. submit a drawing to a college literary magazine
#25. visit denver, co
#26. write a short story by the end of this summer (even if its bad)

win 100 points in my book if you can tell me this poet without looking it up.
Galopa la noche en su yegua sombría
desparramando espigas azules sobre el campo

five attempted entries today boil down (to this one notion. )

i seriously feel like running down this (in the dark) street and scream-singing Carrie Underwood songs along the way. normal? only partially. therapeutic? yes.