It's the end of fall semester. It couldn't be easily categorized as a "bumpy ride" but it hasn't been all smooth or happy sailing. It's winter break. It's the time in between. It's the time to sit down and realize what all went down this semester and why.
I was a senior in college this year and it felt pretty much right on target. Going out with friends, frequenting the local bars, getting to know what happy hours were where. Of course me being me throughout school I would constantly be asking myself in my inner dialogue "Is this right? What should I do? Should I do this? Should I do that?" Someone's gotta do something about this line of questioning. Obviously that someone needs to be me. Anyway, in that sense, this semester was like all the others. Never fully fitting into the college framework--I enjoy it, a lot, don't get me wrong--but never quite fitting in the hole for the peg. I didn't have a lot of time to myself, but I can't say it was all happy socializing either. School took a huge toll on me, but mostly my work outside of schoolwork did. It took me quite awhile to get used to my new job, and it ate up quite a bit of time.
We can't get better at ourselves without mistakes, so even though I've proven the conclusion again and again that its better to commit to less, do less, but with more quality (quality, not quantity in activity) I still apparently piled on the load for the fall. But you learn with age and with mistake.
It's weird thinking that soon I'll be done with this school. This is where I've spent four years, growing, embarrassing myself, learning, getting better or worse at being a student, enjoying, and all the other stuff. I think I feel pretty average about it. Not overly sentimental or weeping, but not booking the first train outta here either. Just a healthy kind of departure. I don't know where I'm heading next but I know that I'm okay with it.
My heart will win. That's what I really want to say. I guess to the outsider it sounds vague and sentimental in a bad way, but to me it means something a bit more specific. Maybe it's not the heart that I intend to say. Maybe it's the soul. My soul guides my career, it guides my reason for being in college, it guides my need for reflection and my need for new food for the soul. ....This is starting to sound like I'm writing this for Hallmark.
10 months ago