I have been doing a lot of thinking. Again, yes. I'm on benadryl now so am finally feeling that warm, fuzzy, sleepy feeling that sort of crawls over you. It's wonderful. There's almost nothing better than this feeling. (warning: future benadryl addict?) anyway.

Teach for america is a huge commitment. Just seeing how intensive the institute is going to be, i am a bit overwhelmed to be honest. They will keep you there day after day until you learn the methods, pass the tests. But there is something deep within me that is rising to the surface again. I know that this is my destiny. Even if i am stuck in math, my least favorite subject ever and one that i will probably have issues with, it still is. It still is my destiny. There's something about working with kids that forever rejuvenates me. The spirit that they have, the hardship that they can endure...it's just incredible. It inspires me in a way I can't explain.

I'm going to share something with you. When I was in my interview, I didn't follow the script I set out for myself. I think whenever I've done well in an interview or in a certain type of situation, it's because I did abandon the script and just did whatever came to heart or mind. I told her about Baltimore. I told her about the kids that captured my heart and did not let go of it. (Of course, I didn't tell her all the details, but I want to record them now). There was a little boy there. He came up to me, and he had been just smiling at me for awhile. Like he knew something. I know that sounds like I'm projecting thoughts on to someone else, a little boy no less, but it's like he knew. He came to me after knowing me for awhile, grabbed at the side of my shirt, and whispered in my ear, "Isn't he cute?" Talking about another little boy in the class. It's like he knew I was gay. And that he could tell me this, somehow. He made a couple more comments, and keep in mind this little boy was only about 7. It touched me in a way I couldn't explain. I still can't explain it fully....like he trusted, he knew, and he had this secret inside of him. The other little boy (the one he was talking about) seemed to know something was going on, so he shouted "what did he say?! what did he say?!" and I wouldn't tell him.

These kids touched my heart. I mean really. My heart is not always touched as much as you might think. For someone who eats up romantic comedies and junk like she's paid to do it, I don't always expect to be, or am actually that touched. But this touched me. Those kids made my life have meaning. Just the enthusiasm...I mean the blind enthusiasm.

"we are more than this world has to offer. we are more than the wars of our fathers."