thinking of hard topics is pleasing

the title. sometimes it's all in the title, right? see above. haha. no, but really, sometimes thinking of something hard is pleasing. it's looking a challenge or something that's hard for you right in the face and saying, "i'm not afraid of you anymore. i'm going to deal with you, and i'm going to conquer the bad feelings you give me until it's not scary anymore." i rarely mention ecuador. sometimes i think i pretend it didn't exist. i guess because it was built up in my mind for so long as this great opportunity, and then i just kind of lost it while it was there. i still can't explain it to this day, you know? how it happened. why it happened. or maybe there's no explanation for it. maybe it just did.

for so long i believed i would change the world. all of my energy would be enough to solve so many different issues, just within latin america alone. okay, i make it sound like it was some big cloud fantasy land, and it's not like i thought that *I* alone could solve un monton of problems and had these delusions of grandeur. no, but i did think it would be this area i would keep passion for. turns out, no. it was something i wanted to keep passion for, wanted to feel that way about, but kinda lost interest in as time went on. when i took german, the passion for germany grew. then, this summer, i even got interested in the middle east. (i say "even" because traditionally that was the area i was least interested in while studying international relations, and most people were the opposite). i started to realize that my passion wasn't for latin america specifically. it switched around, to different parts of the world, depending on the time period. i have passion for the world in general. for global issues. for travel. for comparison. for wonderings, musings, facts, beliefs, superstitions, ideas, generations, destructions and creations.

i think if i was more honest with myself earlier on, i would have realized that my mind had changed since i had first planned ecuador. i would have realized that my true passion at the time was for going to germany, and continuing to study german. but i thought that was kinda flighty and it was better to stick with one path. now i see it would have been better off if i had allowed myself to rejuvenate by honoring that new passion.