day two, but what seems like day twenty, of classes.
so---when i was planning out what a fun summer would look like, what the bleep was i thinking when i decided a full load of classes would be a good way to achieve it? it's good....because it gives me routine, and something to do, but i kinda just wanna like chill and watch movies and stuff my face. anywho. #firstworldproblems.
german started today and i can tell it's going to be a good class for me--i usually enjoy it--but it's still another class. looked up more education master's programs today, sorta for the heck of it. a large part of today i spent wondering what the heck i'm doing. i'm willingly choosing to add on not another major, but another degree. 30 more credits of another subject (subjects, but let's not get too wild in our descriptive indulgence). plus some. that's crazy. especially since it's taken going to class every summer session since beginning, and will take an extra 1.5 semesters in addition. why do i do this? i feel like i cannot even explain my second degree to the people who know me best, let alone to future employers. it's like, i solved the whole "what do i choose?" dilemma by choosing LITERALLY everything i possibly could. can't choose between english, spanish, art, political science, or latin american studies?? why not do them all!!! and sometimes, it makes me feel crazy. it's okay, i mean...it's okay to be on your own path and besides, everyone else is on their own path. only one good friend of mine is going to grad school in the fall, the rest are doing varied things of their own. and i've always enjoyed going to class more than most people. so it makes sense that i would choose to continue to do that. it just makes it hard to see the bigger picture sometimes. like, i know learning german, and spanish, will be useful for travel and work in the future. but sometimes it's hard to connect those dots with the ones right now that include sheets of homework, online language models, and busy work from the textbook. getting away this weekend will be good for me---i need a breath of fresh air, it's about that time.
it also took a LOT of getting used to this town without all the people around. it suddenly became like a ghost town. now going to the local watering hole, etc, equals a lot less people being there. walking around campus, there are much fewer people also walking. (talking about it like this is creeping me out, actually...let's stop). but that leads me to the title of this post: a time of transition. that's what this is. with friends off doing their own things, and investing in new projects, schools, dreams, i'm doing my own thing...which happens to be the same thing i've BEEN doing the past four years...which is weird. still going to classes, turning in papers, at times--most times, hah--subject to professor's whims. but it's like...i want it to mean something. i don't just want to teach...i mean i do, with all my heart, but i also want to affect things internationally. i want all this investment in language to mean something. all this investment in understanding different cultures, and concepts, and politics around the world...i want to invest all of that into something so much bigger than what i've done. i want to make a change. i don't want to read about people in poverty. and i don't want to just wander blindly into foreign countries, either, and pretend that me just being there as a caring person is going to change all that much. i want to work on systems that actually make a different for people, that make changes where they're needed. i don't think we need to act from politics of guilt (we are white/wealthy/a number of other categories) so we should feel bad for what we have, hence, helping elsewhere. i think we should act because it's just...what we should do. and i want to be part of it, a big part of it! i dunno....
6 months ago